alphabet town

My social life has been dwindling a lot lately. I go out only a couple of times a month and I really don't chat with people (whether by texting, over the internet, etc.) very much anymore. I feel isolated from my various online friends and I feel a bit distant from my offline friends. I have mixed feelings about it. Part of me is okay with it and is fine with just hiding away in my room and not talking to anyone, but another part of me is very much bothered by it...but doesn't really know where to begin with fixing it. I'll join IRC to chat with online friends, but I can't seem to get back into the habit of joining for more than a day or two in a row. I'll text a friend or even go out, but I can't seem to get involved with plans on a frequent, regular basis. I'm not sure what the problem is. I care but I don't care. I don't know. I do miss talking to certain people, both offline and online.

On another note, I guess there is another thing I could write about. For some reason I feel really weird writing about it (even though I do have a very, very limited audience here!). I guess I feel weird mostly because I'm confused and unsure. For a while I've been rather confused about my sexuality. I know that I am not gay, but I don't really think I'm straight either. I feel weird about it because I feel like it's something I should've figured out before. Am I actually bisexual? I don't know. All I can say is that I am definitely open to figuring it out.

Anyway, the fall semester starts in a few days and I'm not even remotely prepared for it. I only just got a couple of textbooks today and I have a list of the rest of the ones I need to acquire. I don't have any other school supplies. I don't have my schedule memorized. I can't even really remember which classes I'm taking or which buildings they're all in. I'm kind of in a vague state of denial about summer being over, haha.

I've been encountered with way too many thought-provoking things today and I've hardly been able to stop thinking.

I went out and saw the movie Before Midnight today. It was very good. I love those movies, but they always leave me feeling this profound sense of sadness and emptiness (in addition to other more positive feelings, of course).

I was paging through old yearbooks earlier and they were making me feel depressed. I was looking at my yearbook from the first grade and realized that the people in there who were sixth graders then are now like 27 years old. I wonder if they're happy with their lives. I wonder if their lives have turned out the way that they'd hoped. I wonder if any of them page through their old yearbooks and wonder the same about me. Next I found a picture of this guy I knew who killed himself just a couple of months ago. We weren't close at all and I won't pretend like we were, but his suicide affected me a lot for some reason, and seeing a picture of him when he was like seven years old and smiling like any other little kid really bothered me. Then I found a picture of the guy who sexually assaulted me last year. He was in kindergarten in that yearbook. I don't know. I just feel weird.

What I should probably do is just become more productive again so I have less time to sit around and navel-gaze. It's often a self-indulgent waste of time. Contemplating life and the universe and existence and the past hasn't really gotten me anywhere good. I always just feel bad and sad and low.

I just feel so frustrated with myself. My life is a waste. Sometimes I feel like it's already over.

Finals are over. All of my grades were finally posted yesterday. I did well in most classes. It was one of my better semesters, which is a bit interesting since my attendance was so poor in a few classes.

So now it is summer. For some reason it doesn't really feel like summer. Usually I feel like there's more buzz and excitement surrounding it...or, at the very least, that there's a bigger sense of finality when the semester officially ends. I sort of feel like I'm just floating around. I don't know how to explain it.

I don't really have any plans for my summer yet. Usually I have some sort of trip or event to look forward to, but so far I don't have anything like that planned for this summer. I will need to get a job, but I wanted to take a little time after finishing finals to just relax and then prepare myself for the job search and eventual job interviews, which will be major sources of stress and anxiety!

I hung out with a couple of friends over the weekend. We went to a movie. They also invited me to hit the town with them, but for some reason I just felt all panicky so I went home. Now I sort of regret it since one of those friends was only in town for the weekend and probably won't be back in town for months. Oh well. I've accepted that we just aren't close anymore, but I could admittedly try a little harder. I'd like to see some of my other friends, but I guess they've mostly been busy...or maybe they're just not interested.

I've been in fairly decent moods lately. I'm not really sad but I'm not really happy either. Finishing finals was a relief, but now I just feel sort of lost, like I'm stuck between phases or eras or something. I should fill my days with more useful activities in the meantime.

Life is just so weird. I keep going for long car rides and just staring out into the countryside, thinking about stupid things and big concepts. I guess it's all a waste of time, but I vaguely enjoy doing it. I focus so much on these big ideas about life, existence, and consciousness and what they really are, but I don't know if it's even worth thinking about. If it's keeping me from actually doing real things with my time, then maybe it's a counterproductive waste.

Well, anyway, I have decided that I want to watch a bunch of movies during my upcoming free time. I used to watch so many movies, but then I kind of stopped...I guess in favor of TV? I have been wanting to get back to movies, though, since I always loved them. I should watch one tonight.

Tonight I went to an opera (The Magic Flute) at my school. It was very good and I had a great time. I'd always been kind of vaguely interested in opera but I'd never really had the chance to go to one. Now I want to walk around singing like that all the time. I wish I had a better singing voice.

Lately around town I've been running into so many people I vaguely know from school (mostly band) and for some reason it's been making me feel odd. I guess I've just been beginning to really regret not being more involved with stuff, particularly extracurriculars, while in college. I know that I still have a little time left to get involved, but I realistically can't see it happening. I'm switching to going to school part-time from next semester until I finish my degree and I intend to get a job starting this summer, so it just won't be as convenient to get involved throughout the next couple of years. It's also sort of weird to suddenly jump in when I've already been going to this school for four years. Eh, maybe I'm overthinking it. This certainly wouldn't be the first time!

Anyway, I just wish that I had more passions and had more confidence. There are plenty of things that I'm interested in, but there aren't many things that I feel very passionately about. I've always struggled with this - even back in junior high and high school when I had less anxiety weighing me down. I keep thinking (or, more accurately, hoping) that someday a passion will just fall into my lap. Like, I'll pick up just the right book or take just the right class or stumble upon just the right Wikipedia article to inspire me and then I'll find my passion and I'll finally have things figured out.

I do love my major: psychology. I always have. I love my psych classes, I love reading about related topics on my own time, I love thinking about it on my own time, and I love the idea of being a clinical psychologist or something, but I guess I obviously don't love it enough to work hard enough to get where I'd ideally like to be (a clinical psychologist with a Master's or PhD).

I wish I were a better musician or writer or something. I feel like that'd be fulfilling. I just don't have enough talent to be a professional of any kind. It'd be so neat to be a flautist for a living though. I really love music and I love playing in bands and orchestras and smaller groups or even by myself, but I guess it's something that's merely meant to be a hobby or side interest for me.

I feel like I'm rambling a lot and basically continuously coming back to the same theme: I like stuff, but I don't like any stuff enough to really achieve success.

Now my question is this: what is my definition of "success"? Is my definition of "success" too rigid and unattainable? Is my definition of "success" basically saying that I must be the best or it's not worth anything? I think it kind of is. That's always how I've thought about "success" in relation to myself, and that's how everyone expected me to be when I was younger. Perhaps I need to make my personal definition of "success" a bit more flexible...or else I'll never be satisfied.

Recently, a bunch of terrible, ignorant, short-sighted, and just plain wrong bills have passed in my state of North Dakota regarding abortion. It's a complete and total embarrassment to the state. They're unconstitutional, they're narrow in their scope (but yet have massive effects), they infringe on people's rights, and they're ultimately a huge waste of time and money. I love North Dakota, but I'm rather ashamed of our legislators right now.

I guess it's surprising that our laws allowed for relatively easy abortions at all considering how conservative this area tends to be. Still, it's frustrating seeing that taken away. Can't these lawmakers see that there are more important ways that they could be spending this money? They recently turned down a proposal or bill to give free milk to children in our state. Wouldn't that benefit more people than, you know, basically taking away abortions? 

These anti-abortion bills will make it harder for doctors to want to work in North Dakota. These bills make it difficult for people to undergo in vitro fertilization. These bills put women's lives in danger in cases like ectopic pregnancies. These bills nearly outlaw abortions altogether, forcing women to carry to term, and that includes women who were victims of rape, which is just abhorrent. Regardless of the circumstances, though, women should be allowed to make their own decisions about their own health and lives.

It's just so frustrating.

Yesterday I attended a rally/protest downtown and there were several people (doctors, a former judge, etc.) who spoke to the crowds. It was exciting and I was glad to have been there. It was neat hearing all of the speakers, and it was neat seeing all of the support from around town. There were other rallies in different cities around the state yesterday as well, and the pictures from those events looked as powerful as ours was. At the same time, though...I just worry that it won't be enough to make a difference.

Regardless, since these bills are so unconstitutional and badly written, there'll likely be a lengthy, expensive legal process following this. I just can't believe that our lawmakers are so short-sighted that they don't see this. I can't believe that they wouldn't want to allocate resources and time better than this. I can't believe that they wouldn't want to make positive changes for the people in our state who are already living on the earth. I can't believe that they're allowing one very narrow, extreme point of view to dictate the laws for everyone.

My spring break is coming to an end. However, I also got Monday off for a snow day, for which I am very grateful. I just wasn't ready to face school yet, though I doubt that I will be any more ready to face it on Tuesday.

Overall my spring break was pretty underwhelming. I'd hoped to read a lot, watch lots of movies, get some exercise, clean my room, see some friends, etc. All I really did was read a tiny bit, see friends once, and watch a few episodes of TV shows. It was pretty lazy, but it wasn't really satisfyingly lazy. I don't really feel recharged or well-rested. I don't feel like I'm ready to go back to school and get down to business.

I don't really know why it's so difficult for me to sustain motivation for school. I used to be so good at it. Now it's just hard to even get out of bed most days. It's not like my schedule is really even that taxing. I'm only taking 16 credits this semester. Having a lot of anxiety makes it difficult to get up and go, I guess.

Sometimes I get into these awful patterns with my attendance. I'll skip a class for some reason (mental health day -- whatever), but then I get too anxious to go to that class on its next day because I stress about what I might have missed, what the professor might think of me, and so on, and then sometimes I'll skip another day. Then the anxiety and stress just continue to pile up, making it harder and harder to go, but also making it more and more crucial to go. It's stupid, really. I never miss anything that's actually important, of course. I always show up for tests, quizzes, presentations, and to turn assignments in. Still, I'm sure that a lot of my professors don't think too highly of me. I do want to note that I don't always get into this pattern, nor do I get into this pattern with every one of my classes. I don't want to paint myself as so totally lazy and ridiculous. Anyway, I feel guilty when I do this. It's a waste of money and it just reflects poorly on me, on my character. I know that anxiety is very real, but a small part of me worries that maybe it's not a legitimate enough explanation. Maybe I'm just stupid and lazy instead.

I've been feeling very lonely lately. I always hate admitting that I'm lonely -- it makes me feel pathetic for some reason. There just aren't enough people in my life anymore. I keep missing people from the past, but I guess I have to accept that they've moved on. Some have drifted from me, some I've drifted away from, some have changed... It happens in life, of course. I'm just not good at making new friends, so now that my pool of friends is getting smaller and smaller, it's not getting filled back up with new. I keep worrying that I'm wasting my youth. I keep worrying that I'll wake up one day and be 40 years old and full of regrets. I know that I'm not actually old at 21, but I often feel very old.

There are a lot of changes that I could make in my life that would most likely make me feel a lot better and happier. I could identify a ton of these changes. For some reason, though, it's just so hard to get started. I completely lack motivation. I'm simultaneously full of care and full of apathy, if that even makes sense. I'm too scared, self-conscious, and anxious to go through with a lot of these changes. Obviously it's just easier to maintain the status quo even though I'm not exactly happy with the status quo.