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Spring break
My spring break is coming to an end. However, I also got Monday off for a snow day, for which I am very grateful. I just wasn't ready to face school yet, though I doubt that I will be any more ready to face it on Tuesday.
Overall my spring break was pretty underwhelming. I'd hoped to read a lot, watch lots of movies, get some exercise, clean my room, see some friends, etc. All I really did was read a tiny bit, see friends once, and watch a few episodes of TV shows. It was pretty lazy, but it wasn't really satisfyingly lazy. I don't really feel recharged or well-rested. I don't feel like I'm ready to go back to school and get down to business.
I don't really know why it's so difficult for me to sustain motivation for school. I used to be so good at it. Now it's just hard to even get out of bed most days. It's not like my schedule is really even that taxing. I'm only taking 16 credits this semester. Having a lot of anxiety makes it difficult to get up and go, I guess.
Sometimes I get into these awful patterns with my attendance. I'll skip a class for some reason (mental health day -- whatever), but then I get too anxious to go to that class on its next day because I stress about what I might have missed, what the professor might think of me, and so on, and then sometimes I'll skip another day. Then the anxiety and stress just continue to pile up, making it harder and harder to go, but also making it more and more crucial to go. It's stupid, really. I never miss anything that's actually important, of course. I always show up for tests, quizzes, presentations, and to turn assignments in. Still, I'm sure that a lot of my professors don't think too highly of me. I do want to note that I don't always get into this pattern, nor do I get into this pattern with every one of my classes. I don't want to paint myself as so totally lazy and ridiculous. Anyway, I feel guilty when I do this. It's a waste of money and it just reflects poorly on me, on my character. I know that anxiety is very real, but a small part of me worries that maybe it's not a legitimate enough explanation. Maybe I'm just stupid and lazy instead.
I've been feeling very lonely lately. I always hate admitting that I'm lonely -- it makes me feel pathetic for some reason. There just aren't enough people in my life anymore. I keep missing people from the past, but I guess I have to accept that they've moved on. Some have drifted from me, some I've drifted away from, some have changed... It happens in life, of course. I'm just not good at making new friends, so now that my pool of friends is getting smaller and smaller, it's not getting filled back up with new. I keep worrying that I'm wasting my youth. I keep worrying that I'll wake up one day and be 40 years old and full of regrets. I know that I'm not actually old at 21, but I often feel very old.
There are a lot of changes that I could make in my life that would most likely make me feel a lot better and happier. I could identify a ton of these changes. For some reason, though, it's just so hard to get started. I completely lack motivation. I'm simultaneously full of care and full of apathy, if that even makes sense. I'm too scared, self-conscious, and anxious to go through with a lot of these changes. Obviously it's just easier to maintain the status quo even though I'm not exactly happy with the status quo.
Overall my spring break was pretty underwhelming. I'd hoped to read a lot, watch lots of movies, get some exercise, clean my room, see some friends, etc. All I really did was read a tiny bit, see friends once, and watch a few episodes of TV shows. It was pretty lazy, but it wasn't really satisfyingly lazy. I don't really feel recharged or well-rested. I don't feel like I'm ready to go back to school and get down to business.
I don't really know why it's so difficult for me to sustain motivation for school. I used to be so good at it. Now it's just hard to even get out of bed most days. It's not like my schedule is really even that taxing. I'm only taking 16 credits this semester. Having a lot of anxiety makes it difficult to get up and go, I guess.
Sometimes I get into these awful patterns with my attendance. I'll skip a class for some reason (mental health day -- whatever), but then I get too anxious to go to that class on its next day because I stress about what I might have missed, what the professor might think of me, and so on, and then sometimes I'll skip another day. Then the anxiety and stress just continue to pile up, making it harder and harder to go, but also making it more and more crucial to go. It's stupid, really. I never miss anything that's actually important, of course. I always show up for tests, quizzes, presentations, and to turn assignments in. Still, I'm sure that a lot of my professors don't think too highly of me. I do want to note that I don't always get into this pattern, nor do I get into this pattern with every one of my classes. I don't want to paint myself as so totally lazy and ridiculous. Anyway, I feel guilty when I do this. It's a waste of money and it just reflects poorly on me, on my character. I know that anxiety is very real, but a small part of me worries that maybe it's not a legitimate enough explanation. Maybe I'm just stupid and lazy instead.
I've been feeling very lonely lately. I always hate admitting that I'm lonely -- it makes me feel pathetic for some reason. There just aren't enough people in my life anymore. I keep missing people from the past, but I guess I have to accept that they've moved on. Some have drifted from me, some I've drifted away from, some have changed... It happens in life, of course. I'm just not good at making new friends, so now that my pool of friends is getting smaller and smaller, it's not getting filled back up with new. I keep worrying that I'm wasting my youth. I keep worrying that I'll wake up one day and be 40 years old and full of regrets. I know that I'm not actually old at 21, but I often feel very old.
There are a lot of changes that I could make in my life that would most likely make me feel a lot better and happier. I could identify a ton of these changes. For some reason, though, it's just so hard to get started. I completely lack motivation. I'm simultaneously full of care and full of apathy, if that even makes sense. I'm too scared, self-conscious, and anxious to go through with a lot of these changes. Obviously it's just easier to maintain the status quo even though I'm not exactly happy with the status quo.
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Moreover, my GPA has dropped quite a bit. I used to be a 4.00 student - now I'm probably around 3.70. And it's solely because of a lack of motivation and my depression. I feel like pursuing this current major is pointless since it has nothing with my actual dream career, nursing. I also find it difficult to be motivated to succeed in school since I'm so overwhelmed by my various internal sources of stress e.g. my gender dysphoria and my worries about family attitudes.
Lastly, I feel lonely as well. I have some friends in real life (including a few new ones like Giovanni), but they can't do much for me because my internal problems are probably a lot for most people to handle. I would try to find a therapist to help me cope with my loneliness, but I can't afford any treatment. I'm completely broke. I'm contemplating the idea of finding a significant other, but maybe I'm too immature for that. Nevertheless, there are few things that would make me feel at peace more than a loving, patient, and supportive partner.
I hope that you will be able to gain the confidence and sense of security you need to make your life more peaceful. It's way easier said than done! At this time all I can suggest is that you do little things that make you feel happier in small ways - just try to be gentle with yourself. Personally, I like taking more long, hot showers and then wearing the most comfortable clothes I have. Preferably just after they get out of the drier, so that they're soft and warm. And then there's things like making homemade cookies.
I think you get my drift! All I'm saying is that these little things can make a surprisingly big impact on your state of mind. They may seem frivolous, but because of how they affect one's mindset, they are pretty much acts of self-care. And there's no reason to feel guilty about them (some people would feel guilty about such indulging, I suppose) because it's not like they're being done at the expense of someone's welfare or something.
Sorry for the long comment!
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I can relate to a lot of what you've written as well. My GPA has slipped a bit over the years. Sometimes it's hard to concentrate on school or devote enough energy and motivation to the tasks at hand when there are so many other internal stressors going on. Although not all of our sources of stress are the same, I can understand how it's sometimes overwhelming balancing those + your everyday responsibilities.
I hope that you're doing alright! :) Thanks again for commenting.