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Apr. 27th, 2013 01:21 amTonight I went to an opera (The Magic Flute) at my school. It was very good and I had a great time. I'd always been kind of vaguely interested in opera but I'd never really had the chance to go to one. Now I want to walk around singing like that all the time. I wish I had a better singing voice.
Lately around town I've been running into so many people I vaguely know from school (mostly band) and for some reason it's been making me feel odd. I guess I've just been beginning to really regret not being more involved with stuff, particularly extracurriculars, while in college. I know that I still have a little time left to get involved, but I realistically can't see it happening. I'm switching to going to school part-time from next semester until I finish my degree and I intend to get a job starting this summer, so it just won't be as convenient to get involved throughout the next couple of years. It's also sort of weird to suddenly jump in when I've already been going to this school for four years. Eh, maybe I'm overthinking it. This certainly wouldn't be the first time!
Anyway, I just wish that I had more passions and had more confidence. There are plenty of things that I'm interested in, but there aren't many things that I feel very passionately about. I've always struggled with this - even back in junior high and high school when I had less anxiety weighing me down. I keep thinking (or, more accurately, hoping) that someday a passion will just fall into my lap. Like, I'll pick up just the right book or take just the right class or stumble upon just the right Wikipedia article to inspire me and then I'll find my passion and I'll finally have things figured out.
I do love my major: psychology. I always have. I love my psych classes, I love reading about related topics on my own time, I love thinking about it on my own time, and I love the idea of being a clinical psychologist or something, but I guess I obviously don't love it enough to work hard enough to get where I'd ideally like to be (a clinical psychologist with a Master's or PhD).
I wish I were a better musician or writer or something. I feel like that'd be fulfilling. I just don't have enough talent to be a professional of any kind. It'd be so neat to be a flautist for a living though. I really love music and I love playing in bands and orchestras and smaller groups or even by myself, but I guess it's something that's merely meant to be a hobby or side interest for me.
I feel like I'm rambling a lot and basically continuously coming back to the same theme: I like stuff, but I don't like any stuff enough to really achieve success.
Now my question is this: what is my definition of "success"? Is my definition of "success" too rigid and unattainable? Is my definition of "success" basically saying that I must be the best or it's not worth anything? I think it kind of is. That's always how I've thought about "success" in relation to myself, and that's how everyone expected me to be when I was younger. Perhaps I need to make my personal definition of "success" a bit more flexible...or else I'll never be satisfied.
Lately around town I've been running into so many people I vaguely know from school (mostly band) and for some reason it's been making me feel odd. I guess I've just been beginning to really regret not being more involved with stuff, particularly extracurriculars, while in college. I know that I still have a little time left to get involved, but I realistically can't see it happening. I'm switching to going to school part-time from next semester until I finish my degree and I intend to get a job starting this summer, so it just won't be as convenient to get involved throughout the next couple of years. It's also sort of weird to suddenly jump in when I've already been going to this school for four years. Eh, maybe I'm overthinking it. This certainly wouldn't be the first time!
Anyway, I just wish that I had more passions and had more confidence. There are plenty of things that I'm interested in, but there aren't many things that I feel very passionately about. I've always struggled with this - even back in junior high and high school when I had less anxiety weighing me down. I keep thinking (or, more accurately, hoping) that someday a passion will just fall into my lap. Like, I'll pick up just the right book or take just the right class or stumble upon just the right Wikipedia article to inspire me and then I'll find my passion and I'll finally have things figured out.
I do love my major: psychology. I always have. I love my psych classes, I love reading about related topics on my own time, I love thinking about it on my own time, and I love the idea of being a clinical psychologist or something, but I guess I obviously don't love it enough to work hard enough to get where I'd ideally like to be (a clinical psychologist with a Master's or PhD).
I wish I were a better musician or writer or something. I feel like that'd be fulfilling. I just don't have enough talent to be a professional of any kind. It'd be so neat to be a flautist for a living though. I really love music and I love playing in bands and orchestras and smaller groups or even by myself, but I guess it's something that's merely meant to be a hobby or side interest for me.
I feel like I'm rambling a lot and basically continuously coming back to the same theme: I like stuff, but I don't like any stuff enough to really achieve success.
Now my question is this: what is my definition of "success"? Is my definition of "success" too rigid and unattainable? Is my definition of "success" basically saying that I must be the best or it's not worth anything? I think it kind of is. That's always how I've thought about "success" in relation to myself, and that's how everyone expected me to be when I was younger. Perhaps I need to make my personal definition of "success" a bit more flexible...or else I'll never be satisfied.
